Crazy Talk

There's a certain phrase than I've said more than a few times:

Getting married??? That's a crazy idea!

I've been thinking a lot about why I say this. It certainly doesn't result from questioning my decision; there's no doubt in my mind that Zack's the best Goddamn thing that's happened to me. But the concept of marriage scares the hell out of me. I did not grow up with working examples of long-lasting relationships; all my experiences show that they fall apart.

On Wednesday night I decided that taking my hacking cough to the symphony with Zack was rude and so I stayed home and watched a movie. Anyone seen Lantana? It's a recent Australian film about five couples in various states of marital decay. This is not a good movie to watch when you're planning your wedding. Or if you're having marital troubles. Or if you're in a relationship at all. Though it was a good movie. All you single folks should rent it.

Needless to say, Z came home from the symphony to discover a very upset fiancee on the couch. I don't watch movies like that and think: What awful relationships - that's not going to happen to me. No, instead, I think that that sort of decay is inevitable.

I'm working on changing my mind about this, but it's occasionally hard going. I spent a long time with my stepmum yesterday talking about marriage and the wedding (two different things: one involves more tablecloths than the other). In talking to her, I reconnected with just how much I love Zack; that he is the best thing ever. I cannot think of anyone for whom I'd rather work through this stuff. His unending support makes this kind of deep self-inquiry possible.

Thank you Zack, with all my heart, thank you.