February 26, 2005

The Mind of a Scientist

Has it really only been eleven days since I updated this blog? It feels like an eternity. I have been busier than an ant at a picnic - and I've only been doing one thing: School. Of course, that one category can be further broken down into subcategories such as: seminar reading; fellowship coursework; middle school planning and teaching; and most recently, Moss Landing Marine Lab. Once again, I am spending one day a week driving to and from MLML to use their otolith-slicing facilities. Yes, I have officially given up on my thumbnails as otolith breaking tools. However, I'm still using the nail strengthener because I'm curious about whether or not it works.

Occasionally I stop and listen to myself. When I do, I'm amused to discover how much of a scientist I am. For example, I'm doing an experiment on my thumbnails at the moment. No, I don't have a control - other than my past 29 years of experience. Even my above sub-categorization of tasks is scientific. Or really anal - I'll let you be the judge.


Last night, I had a dream about mapping relationships between people so that I could determine the series of events that led to me meeting my future husband. The technique is a little fuzzy, though I do remember that the angle of the line drawn between two names signified the strength and duration of that relationship. The key piece appears to be Cassidy inviting Jon and I to the Plutonic Ideals Picnic in 2000. That was where I met J, who invited me to my first RS event where I met EE. She knew Mo and Bahati, who were the connections to Z. And five years later, here we are. But there are so many more questions that could be asked: who invited Cassidy to the picnic? How did he know that person? Who introduced Mo to EE? And how did Bahati enter the picture? It's probable that the links of connections can be extended back many, many years to create a webbed picture of causality. I'd like to hang that on my wall.


Like I said, I think like a scientist. The good thing to this slightly compulsive scientific reasoning is that I am becoming ever more aware that I am actually a scientist; that I have things to offer the scientific community. When I think about having the chance to move to Mozambique to get hired as a marine biologist, I'm not worried that I won't be able to do the job. In fact, I'm already weighing the pros and cons of various experimental designs. It is a really big change for me to finally feel confidence in my abilities - or rather, to recognize that I have some. And I'm chomping at the bit to get out there and implement all the knowledge that I've gained. I'm ready for something new - not in terms of subject material, but in terms of action. Enough reading - I want to start doing.

February 12, 2005

The faith in science

The other day, Z said: I don't share your faith in science.

Faith? In science? Huh??? Doesn't he realize that science is beyond faith? It is purposefully designed to not rely on faith.


Or is it?


Since he said that, I've been thinking a lot about science, undermining my career with every heretical notion. Perhaps science is a religion all of its own. If so, it's a religion of knowledge - of replicable, peer-reviewed knowledge.


Or is it?


Is science just as reliant on belief as religion? Is it perpetuated by followers who don't see other opinions as valid - who dismiss those opinions using esoteric language that is only intelligible to people with advanced degrees? In science only accessible to people who have entered its inner sanctum of knowledge?


Sure, we teach science in elementary school, so it must be easy to grasp. Right. Please raise your hand if you think science is easy. And now, raise your hand if you can describe that tenet at the base of all science, the scientific method. Anyone?


Now raise your hand if you understand statistics. That's the real foundation of scientific reasoning. Sometimes I think it's just a bunch of fancy mathematics. Somewhere, someone thought that 0.05 was a good number. Ever since then, we've been dong fancy math, comparing our results to this and then drawing conclusions about The Way Things Are. We sell these as Facts. And don't you even think about questioning them...


OK OK. So statistics is more complicated than this. But I don't have a degree in mathematics, so I'm just going to have to take my biometry professor's word on faith. I better
believe because it seems unlikely that I'm ever going to know.

And how is this different from religion?

February 10, 2005

Red Pawed

This afternoon, I walked through the door of my apartment and the strangest thing happened: nothing at all. For those of you who know Kaya, you'll realize that this is very bizarre. Normally, I am greeted with an enthusiastic, overwhelming and whiny welcome. Today: nothing. At first I thought that she must not be home; that perhaps our landlords were hanging out with her downstairs. When I reached the top of our stairs, I saw Kaya standing in the bedroom, head bowed, ears back, tail wagging lethargically at half mast. Instantly I knew that she'd done something bad - something really bad.

I first checked the trash in the office but it was still in its bin. Next I checked the bathroom trash but it was encased in its container too. Then I did a scout of the apartment floors for poop or upchuck or jellyfish. Nothing. Baffled, I checked our bed for hair and warmth. (Yes, I know her pretty well at this point.) There didn't seem to be more hair on the bed than usual and it wasn't warm to the touch, but every time I looked at the bed or touched it, Kaya cowered at my feet, ears plastered to the side of her head. Busted! If only she knew how much more she'd get away with if she didn't act so guiltily. Perhaps it's just as well she doesn't.


What's strange is that her reaction doesn't match her crime. Being "really bad" involves making a big mess, usually of the trash. Sleeping on our bed is only so-so bad. And yet she was clearly more guilt-consumed than if she had gone through the trash (when she does that, I find her belly-up and submissive at the top of the stairs).


She knows that going through the trash or sleeping on our bed is wrong and yet she still does it. I imagine her at home alone, dozing on her bed and dreaming of the cushiness that lies a mere three feet above her. She sits up and peers at the bed more closely. Overcome with guilt at the mere thought, she lays back down and tries to go to sleep. But the comfort of our bed calls to her and suddenly she finds herself standing next to it, one paw raised to touch it. Again, she is overwhelmed with guilt and so she returns to her bed. The next thing she knows is the sound of me coming home. With a start she wakes up only to realize that she's sleeping ON THE WRONG BED.

For Kaya, there is no "one ring to rule them all"; instead, there's "one bed to bring them all and in the darkness bind them."

Uh, I think I just outed myself as a LOTR geek.

February 08, 2005

Externality Internalization

I thought that the word nonplus meant to be mildly upset about something as in, "Used to being a straight A student, Mary was nonplussed by her 88% on the exam." Z thought it implied neutrality: not caring about or being attached to a certain outcome. So, I looked it up in the OED and found:

nonplus v. & n.: completely perplex; a state of perplexity, a standstill.


To be perplexed, of course, means to be puzzled, bewildered or disconcerted. So nonplus somehow implies confusion as in, "I am nonplussed by the definition of nonplus."


I came across another great term in a paper that I read for my fisheries class: externality internalization. It made me cock my head to one side and say, "Rrrr?" like Kaya.

At first I tried to ignore it, figuring that we would define it in class tomorrow. Unfortunately, it doesn't just appear in the title of the paper; it's one of the focal points too (go figure). Given that I'm presenting the paper, I felt like I should probably turn up with a definition. I turned again to the OED which stated that to externalize is to give or attribute external existence to, while to internalize is to make internal.

Can you say, "Rrrr?"

For an apposite definition, I had to pull out my Conservation Biology text book from college. The meaning is so unsatisfying that I won't bore you with it here. It's better to misuse it deviously. Just think of the fun you can have in that next monthly meeting! You should practice saying it out loud right now. Perhaps if you repeat it three times a genie will burst from your computer screen, cleverly demonstrating an externality internalization.

February 05, 2005

What if an elephant?

This morning, for no particular reason, I am in a fantastic mood. Just like I can wake up feeling bitchy and crabby, I can wake up feeling full of life and excitement.

It's almost sunny here - there's a haze to the air but above that a blue sky can be discerned. I took Kaya to the park and then the corner store for milk and met four people in the block between home, park and shop. They too seemed happy to be alive. My body feels great this morning - twinges in my knee are minimal and I feel healthy and well. Maybe my cold/flu has finally gone? All these reasons could contribute to my stellar mood, though I don't know the ultimate cause of the flood of feel-good juice flowing through my brain. And for once, I don't need to know; I am happy and satisfied with just feeling good.


Last night, I went to dinner with my father. My family has always called me Miss Enthusiasm because of my tendancy to excited jubilation. He said that when I was about three years old, I got very worked up and excited about something and said, "But ... but what if ... what if an ELEPHANT???"


And that's how I feel to day: What if an elephant?

February 04, 2005

Has anyone seen my focus?

I have no focus today. I should probably add an "again" to that sentence. Classes started on Tuesday and I have a tonne and a half of work to do this semester. Yet somehow, I can't seem to get started on any of it. Probably going into the lab would help - at least I wouldn't be distracted by the endless amusements of the internet. But then again, I would be distracted by conversations amongst lab mates. It's easy to get drawn into (another) Bush-bashing or the-end-of-the-world-is-nigh discussion. Yes, we are happy people us fish labbies. I would go in and spend a few hours working on my project but I broke a nail - a thumb nail - and am once again waiting for those suckers to grow. I've read a few papers today and should go to the local cafe and read some more. This afternoon, I have to give a three-minute talk on why everyone should apply for the fellowship program I'm in; why it's so great. I should probably think about what I'm going to say. I should also prepare for the various talks I have to give next Tuesday.... But I'd rather surf the web. I feel like this week really is my final calm week before all hell breaks loose as I juggle teaching at middle school, a fisheries seminar, a fellowship seminar, writing a thesis, diving and - oh yeah - planning a wedding. It's like my mind/body has entered a state of rebellion: you can make me work next week, but today, I'm taking it easy.

In other news, I have officially left my women's circle. After a few months of thinking about it, I realized that I'm just not excited about a regular, structured thing. I love the women in the circle and will miss them, but it's not where I need to be focusing my energy right now. I was really nervous about letting them know given the shit that went down last time I left a women's circle. It ended up being really wonderful, despite my concerns. I was able to tell them how great they've been and they were able to do the same for me. I left feeling loved and supported. It was truly a wonderful evening.


On my way home, we pulled up behind a land rover with a cover over its spare tire upon which was drawn a fish. I identified it out loud before I realized what I was doing. Meghan turned to me and asked, "Do you ever feel like you know too much about something?" I think she was hinting at something.


And now that I have procrastinated even more, I will go and read what is sure to be a fascinating paper titled, "Fecundity of shortspine thornyhead (Sebastolobus alascanus) and longspine thornyhead ( S. altivelis) (Scorpeanidae) from the northeastern Pacific Ocean, determined by stereological and gravimetric techniques" - because I actually don't know too much about this quite yet.