Stay Away

I am in a royal mood today, but only if royalty are royal pains in the ass. I'm pissed off, snappy, grumpy and likely to throw a tantrum over nothing. I bet you're upset that you don't get to hang out with me. If you really want to, Zack might be convinced to trade places with you. You would need to sign a waiver, though:

I _____(Name)______ will not hold against Bartlebee anything that she says or does; I will never, ever mention anything that happens on this day; I will not utter the letters P, M or S.

Last night, we went to an improv show to see our friends Corey and Jenny perform. As we left, we walked through a group of teenagers hanging out by the door, dressed in their best imitation of the 80's (shudder). As we passed them, I realized that from their perspective, we are old.

Old?!?! When the fuck did that happen???

Afterwards, we went to the Elbo Room, which Jenny's sister and friends had rented out for a four or five person (Jenny said five but held up four fingers) 30th birthday party. The drinks were strong and, because we only knew two people there, Zack and I got a little crazy, a little stoopid, on the dance floor. It was fun for a time - at least an hour. Then I realized that I didn't fit in for several reasons:

1. I wasn't ragingly drunk (can you say, designated driver?)
2. I wasn't dressed in a lingerie-like top, jeans and heels
3. I obviously wasn't single
4. A particular finger on my left hand wasn't ring-free

When you're part of a couple, it's like you don't exist to the other sex. There wasn't anyone there that I found particularly attractive, but it would have been nice if even one person to whom I'm not betrothed had made an effort to flirt with me. Perhaps this is why couples tend not to stay out as long as singles: it's not that they prefer each other's company, but that they feel a bit out of the loop, no longer part of the in-crowd. Maybe it's just me. And maybe no-one flirted with me because they sensed the impending doom of my mood and sensibly stayed away...

... Like Zack, who just muttered something from a safe distance and ran out the door. Right before he left he asked if I was safe to hug. He looked genuinely scared, and righfully so. Even I don't want to hang out with myself today.