Action

I've been home alone today; Z went climbing with some friends. I've been sick for close to three weeks so don't really mind the forced solitude and inaction. It's been hot here today - hot and windy. It feels like the first day of summer and I spent some time sitting out in the sun in a tank top and skirt. Luxury! I've opened the front and back doors, creating a wind tunnel through the house in an effort to warm up the freezing interior. I love brick homes in summer when they stay cool, but in winter they are just so cold.

Needing some sound to occupy the emptiness, I put on the CD we bought from the Abayudaya who we visited while we were in Uganda. It takes me back to the Friday night services we attended in the tiny synagogue on the hill. The music - oh the music! Effortless African harmonies envelopping us as the sun set. I think about the lives of the people we visited and can't help but feel like all of my problems are those of a spoiled, white, middle class, westerner. This music puts it all in perspective. If I listen closely, in the background I can hear the buzz of cicada and the occasional goat bleating. It reminds me of heat and dust and green lushness; of matooke and beans and long bus rides; of long days and short sunsets and tremendous storms; of bright sarongs and spending a whole day sitting under a tree talking with the Rabbi who had just burried a child.

It also leaves me itching to do something. This is the feeling I encounter most often these days: an eagerness to be doing something. And no, analysing PhD data doesn't count. We caught up with an old friend of Z's yesterday and his Australian wife. She asked me over lunch what I wanted to do when I'd finished my PhD. In responding, I realized how much my answer has changed in the last few months. I used to say, with little hesitation: research. It's true, I love learning things and exploring the natural world. But that, right now, doesn't feel like enough for me. It feel too, well, academic: obscure, removed. I want to do something with this life. At least I can try to right some of the wrongs - it's the least I can do.

I've been especially inspired lately by Lumpkin who's spending this month in Colorado volunteering for the Obama campaign. He's turned words into action. I want to do the same and yet feel so stuck in PhD-land. It's so full-on that I rarely have energy for much else. I guess I'm just ready to be done. Really ready. I'm ready for the next stage, the next thing. I did the maths yesterday and realized that I'm one month short of half way, assuming it takes me the full 3.5 years, which seems a realistic assumption. Sometimes these past 20 months feel like they've flown by, but more often it seems to have been an eternity. Can I hold out for another eternity? When I think about the reward, the answer is an unhesitating YES. When I think about the reality of all that I have to do, some part of me shrivels.

I guess I'll get back to that data entry.