The List

Again last night, for probably the twentieth night in a row, I had trouble falling asleep; my mind was clinging to The List. The List contains all the things that need to get done between last week and October. Items get added to it at a far faster rate than they get removed resulting in what feels like exponential growth. Come to think of it, it probably is growing exponentially because every single item added triggers a small landslide of other items that Must Be Done. It is so overwhelming that sometimes when I think about it, I get the mental equivalent of the Blue Screen of Death. It's either that or I achieve sudden Enlightenment, though the severe back, jaw and neck tension seem to indicate the former. Some malfunctioning part of my brain seems caught in an eternal loop through the items, repeating them to ward against forgetfulness. Z appears to have the same problem, at least when he's not snoring. Last night I suggested that it might be helpful if we wrote everything down. He laughed, pointing out that it is about a billion items long. The world does not contain that many post-it notes and we do not have enough wall space.

I usually try to replace thoughts of The List with images from an imagined life after October - an after-life of sorts. I usually place myself on a warm beach under a warm sun next to a warm ocean. Invariably, something in these images takes me back to The List. For example, Z leans over to rub sunscreen into my back as the birds sing and--- don'tforgettoaddsunscreentothepackinglist which reminds me that weshouldgetourwebpageregisterysiteforourhoneymoonup and before I know it, I've left the serenity of the beach and am instead scrolling through a list of wedding guest accomodation options.

I cannot wait for October. How all this shit is going to get done between now and then is anybody's guess. Sometimes I'm reassured by the fact that it will all get done because, quite simply, it has to. At other times, I can't see how I'm going to complete next week's assignments, let alone my entire thesis. I find myself doing things like walking Kaya up the hill chanting, "I have so much to do, I have so much to do, I have so much to do." This is not helpful at all.

Perhaps it's time to rediscover all those meditation practices that I grew up with. It's definitely time for something - perhaps another cup of tea.