One of the issues I've been struggling with lately is feeling stupid. Like most PhD students, I find that the more I learn, the less I know. However, feeling stupid is, well, stupid considering that all the evidence points to me not being stupid. Yes, I feel stupid for feeling stupid. I'm smart like that.
Z has been "gently" encouraging me to get over this by saying things like, "Get over it already!" I've been doing my best to heed his advice but it's a challenge. Whenever I start feeling clever, I either immediately do or say something really dumb or, more insidiously, start to feel like a proud braggart. This leads me to my question de mois:
How does one act smart and clever without coming across as a know-it-all jerk?
Got any answers? I sure don't.
For me, this goes back a long way. I remember winning the maths prize in year 8 and dying on the inside as what little social standing I had evaporated. There was nothing cute about a smart girl in middle school. Being smart incurred much ribbing and I quickly learned to down-play my grades when I couldn't hide them. I really only stopped doing this during the final years of my masters, though I rarely volunteered to share my marks.
This all came to a head last week when I attended a reception for recipients of the University's prestigious scholarships. There are about 1,000 post-grads at the University, 350 of which have been granted federal scholarships. I'm one of the 350. Of the 1,000, 11 were awarded a prestigious scholarship; I'm one of those 11. Hearing these statistics out loud made me realize that someone, somewhere thinks I'm smart (I can hear you groaning at that sentence, Z). I need to remember this when I find myself unable to articulate a complex scientific thought.
One of the difficulties is that I'm me and so am completely unqualified to assess how well (or not) I present myself and my thoughts. I don't know if I come across as a bumbling idiot or a brilliant scientist, though can guess that it's somewhere in between and highly reliant upon my caffeine intake. Yes, it's true: caffeine does make you smarter.
I've recently realized that this only matters so much, is so important, because science is what I want to do with my life. This is what I enjoy doing. If I'm not good at this - or am only mediocre, I'll feel like I'm wasting my time. I want to accomplish things and feel like I contribute; if I'm only ever fair to middlin', I won't feel like I'm doing the best thing with my life.
Fortunately, someone somewhere thinks this is a good thing for me to do. Perhaps one day I'll realize that they're right.
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6 comments:
the funny thing is, i find that it's rarely about how smart - or stupid you are - it's about how confidently you present your ideas. have faith that what you say, even if dead wrong, will be based in some truth or, failing that, will be the result of an easily remedied misunderstanding. because you ain't dumb, dude. not even close.
Two questions to ponder:
1. Do you know of other people who act smart and clever, but who do not come across as a know-it-all? If so, how would you guess they do it?
2. What would happen if you were mediocre or middlin' at this science stuff, yet were still accomplishing things and contributing? Is that possible? If so, what would that be like?
I think you're smart. Brightest Tool in the Shed, smart! (couldn't resist)
Really though ... sounds like what you're saying is more about being articulate than smart. I don't doubt your brain and all the information it can hold, process and make cool new thoughts out of. Being able to articulate it is a very different skill. I always thought you were good at that too, but perhaps you can change the query from "Am I smart?" to "How can I articulate my smarts better?"
thanks for the reminder, j (like i will ever be allowed to forget!).
i think the crux of the matter is having the confidence to express smarts even if you fear they may be dumbs (thanks lev), and doing so in a way that does not read as braggart. how do you actually do this? i guess it takes lots of practice. i can't wait to get it wrong numerous times in order to learn.
We just had dinner with David Eisenberg who is a brilliant doctor in integrative medicine. He asked about everybody and everything before he said a word about himself and his projects. This made everything he said have even more significance while he remained modest.
Hey there lady,
I think being perceived as a braggart can also have a lot to do with why you're saying the smart things you say. Are you saying said smart things to put your listeners in their proper place beneath you, those damned idiots who don't understand your brilliance and must be taught? Or are you simply answering a question with all the relevant information you know, which happens to be a TON in some areas?
If you feel your hackles going up because some blowhard said something erroneous, chances are that's when you're being a blowhard (right back at 'em)...but otherwise, don't hide your smarts under a bushel, especially when someone is asking you to let it shine. :)
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